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THE 4 temperaments

Using the right words can change someone’s life!

There are 4 basic temperaments: Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholic, and Phlegmatic. Think of temperament as your first, or native language. It’s what comes naturally to you – it’s your default wiring. Just as unique as your fingerprint or eye color, you are born God-gifted with this.

Your temperament is what you are naturally predisposed to. It influences how you think, feel, and even speak. Temperament is why some people are drawn to the spotlight and others are content with a cubicle in a quiet office. You don’t choose who you are, and you can’t change how you’re wired . . . though many of us try. Within the 4 temperaments, typically you will exhibit the characteristics of 1 of the 4 (your dominant temperament) as well as some of the characteristics of another (your secondary temperament).

The concept of temperament is thousands of years old. Greek physician Hippocrates, often referred to as “The Father of Medicine,” described 4 categories of human traits and behaviors that he believed were influenced by the “humors,” or the 4 elemental fluids of the body. The original Greek names were: Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholic, and Phlegmatic (Those names are a mouthful, so to simplify things they are matched with colors.) Later, a physician and philosopher named Galen applied these 4 categories to his study of human temperament. More than 2000 years later, these classifications continue to be used in modern psychology, influencing the words of Freud and Jung and have formed the basis of personality profiles like the Myers-Briggs, DISC, RightPath and even the Enneagram.
 
The concept of temperament is used to teach people how to speak kindly to one another. The tricky part is that what one person considers kind, another may not! The best place to start is by learning your own temperament. But becoming “fluent” in all 4 will change every conflict and conversation you ever have—for good. These temperaments framework will help show you how to tell the difference, so that you can build up the body of Christ in the unique way that both you and they are created. Additionally, at rest Church we are using the temperament assessment to better understand how you are uniquely wired so that we can help assimilate you into areas you may specifically be drawn toward so that you can thrive! We totally get that not everyone enjoys serving or learning in the same capacities, and when we understand how you think it can help us set you up for success in ministry. The end goal in this is for you to become a fully devoted follower of Christ!

Use the quick links below to quickly jump to that section for more insight

Common Questions

Sanguines

Cholerics

Melancholics

Phlegmatics

Common Questions after the quiz

Just as 1 Corinthians 12 describes the Church as made up of different body parts, we believe understanding our different temperaments can help us place you in the best position and environment to grow and serve in Christ. Your particular God-gifted temperament can be an indicator for exactly where God can use you in your giftedness for you and the Church; this goes anywhere from serve squads to rest Groups.

+++ When you understand how the people around you think, it can help you better communicate with them as well as build them up in a Christ-centered language they understand.

That is perfectly normal! Similar to when you’re identifying the temperament of a child or anyone, the main thing you need to do is to keep observing. Listen to the kinds of words you use. Consider the behavior and traits that come naturally to you. It could even be helpful to think back to childhood experiences that may reveal strengths or weaknesses that have been consistent over time. You may find that the results you disagree with now might turn out to be more accurate than you think. (Of course, it’s also possible that your results are, in fact, incorrect. It never hurts to re-do the quiz 😉

Just as we each have 1 main motivational spiritual gift, we also all have dominant and secondary temperaments. Some people have a temperament that is particularly dominant, and they primarily identify with one color. Others have dominant and secondary temperaments that are more evenly split, as they relate to the strengths and weaknesses of more than one color.

The influence of this secondary temperament is the reason 2 Cholerics, for example, can be quite different from each other. ~A Choleric whose secondary temperament is Sanguine will be chatty, enthusiastic, and emotional, while a Choleric whose secondary temperament is Melancholic will be detailed, focused, and reserved.

What separates the temperaments framework from most personality profiles is that self-awareness is not the ultimate goal. This framework is a tool that helps you understand others. Knowing your own temperament is the first step. Recognizing the temperament of others is the more important second step, as it allows you to adjust your words to communicate more effectively with those around you.

“Learned behavior,” may appear in your results as a third temperament. This is known as masking. Your temperament is innate, but you may have learned to mask that temperament in response to a person or circumstance. In up to 80% of cases, masking occurs as a response to parenting. ~For example: A child adjusts outward behavior to meet the standards or expectations imposed by a parent and over time, it can be difficult to distinguish this learned behavior from what comes naturally. Masking might be the result of grief, trauma, or other abuse. These difficult circumstances might cause you to adopt behaviors for which you are not wired, in order to protect your mental or physical well-being. For now, focus on your dominant temperament by asking yourself, What am I like when I’m by myself or in crisis.

You have a particularly dominant temperament. This isn’t a problem! In fact, learning the entire temperaments framework will be even more impactful, since your goal is to speak the language of all 4 temperaments to better relate to those around you.

It’s not unusual for scores to be very close or potentially the same for your dominant and secondary temperaments. Think of yourself as bilingual—able to speak the language of 2 temperaments!

Although assessment scores do occasionally result in these combinations, diagonal temperaments are not natural because they have opposite strengths and weaknesses. For example, Sanguines are chatty and Melancholics are reserved. You cannot naturally be both. It helps to discuss your answers with a loved one, who might notice qualities that are difficult for you to see in yourself. Don’t worry too much about resolving this issue though. The more you learn about the temperaments framework, the easier it will be to sort out your scores. For now, just focus on your dominant temperament.

SanguineS

speak the Language of People and Fun
Sanguines-

Sanguines are people-oriented extroverts.

SANGUINE GUIDE

Typically, 1 or 2 temperaments (or colors) will have a higher total than the others from your quiz. The highest score is your dominant temperament. The second-highest score is your secondary temperament. You likely display many of the strengths, weaknesses, and tendencies of your dominant temperament, so those will be outlined for you here.

  • As a Sanguine , you speak the language of fun and people. You often speak with animated, exaggerated, people-oriented words like: “That sounds fun!” “I’d be happy to help!” or “Oh, I’ve got a story about that…wait til’ you hear this.”

You process your thoughts and feelings by speaking; introverts, on the other hand, process their thoughts and feelings before speaking.

Being an extrovert can be an asset. Your natural way with words may serve you well in your career as a magnetic salesperson, an influential leader, or a dynamic public speaker. And since you’re quick and confident in sharing your opinion, you’re often invited into important conversations and decisions. On the flip side, you’ve likely stuck your foot in your mouth a time or two. And being quick to speak up may sometimes make you a lousy listener.

When you are given the choice between accomplishing a task or spending time with a friend, you will choose the friend every time.

People-oriented people are inclined toward fostering relationships. Whether it’s meeting new people or engaging your wide circle of family and friends, the brightest part of every day involves other people. Thinking about and including others comes naturally to you.

You may be thinking, “Wouldn’t everyone spend time with a friend instead of tackling a task that can easily wait another day?” No, they wouldn’t.

Strengths and Weaknesses

You are wired with the unique strengths and weaknesses of your temperament. Your strengths are the best of the qualities that come naturally to you. Those strengths have a counterpoint though. You are also wired with weaknesses that have the potential to ruin relationships and derail your life. If that seems scary, here’s some good news: you can choose to behave and speak from your strengths or from your weaknesses. It probably hasn’t always felt that way . . . until now. Learning how you’re wired will change that.

► Optimistic 

► Encouraging

► Popular 

► Spontaneous 

► Charismatic 

► Affectionate 

► Thrives on compliments 

► Lives in the moment 

► Cheerful 

► Expressive

► Compulsive talker

► Exaggerates

► Confidence fades fast

► Interrupts

► Vain

► Scatterbrained

► Doesn’t follow through

► Looks for credit

► Seems phony to some

► Disorganized

Your Innate Needs

Think of something that was said to you—maybe by a parent, teacher, or childhood friend—that has stuck with you for years. What makes those words stand out from the millions of others you’ve heard in your lifetime? Your temperament. You are wired to respond positively to certain words and negatively to others. The reason you remember, for example, that your second-grade teacher said, “You could bring a smile to anyone and were a good friend to everyone” is that those are the exact words your temperament craves. Those words fill your innate needs. Think of innate needs like food. Just as you need to eat daily, you crave hearing words of affirmation every day that fill your four innate needs. They are unique to your temperament and, just like food, they are critical to your well-being.

*Think of the last time someone said words like these to you. How did it make you feel? Did it put a little wind in your sail?

► Approval = Being liked for who you are, without needing to change. “You are so talented!”

► Acceptance = Being invited and included “Come! It’s always better when you’re there.”

► Attention = Having other people’s full focus, especially eye contact. “Let’s sit so you can tell me the whole story.”

► Affection = Being noticed or acknowledged. “Hey, you look great today!”

  • A note about your needs:

    Culture sends mixed messages about some of these needs. Craving attention can be perceived as obnoxious, dramatic, or self-centered. Some sanguine children are even labeled as hyperactive because of their energy and enthusiasm. You’ve probably heard things like “Sit down,” “Calm down,” or “Be quiet” throughout your life. As a result, you—like all of us—may be saddled with some degree of confusion around your needs. Hopefully, learning that you’re hardwired to crave these things will free you from any feelings of shame. Not only is it okay for you to crave approval, acceptance, attention, and affection, it’s vital that you get them!

  • Your Default When Your Needs Are Not Filled:

    ‘If you are wired to respond positively to words that fill your innate needs, what happens when you don’t hear those words—when your friends are too busy to give you the attention you crave, or when your boss doesn’t offer the approval you’re looking for? Just as your positive reaction comes naturally, your negative one does too. Each temperament has a “tell”—a kind of subconscious, default reaction. It shows up in your words (or, in some cases, your lack of words). And it’s used to manipulate others into giving you what you’re craving.

► Charm = Elaborating or exaggerating, being “over the top.” “Listen to this! I have the best story!”

► Flattery  = Phony or excessive praise of others. “You’re the funniest. Are you sure you don’t want to come?”

It’s not particularly pleasant to admit to this part of your temperament. You may have lost a job, respect, or a relationship because of the way you reacted to someone. But you can prevent doing catastrophic damage if you use these signals as a warning. When you catch yourself resorting to charm and flattery, stop and ask: Am I really trying to get approval, acceptance, attention, or affection? How can I get that using a strength rather than a weakness?

Putting It Into Practice

So, now with all of this info: How do you use what you’ve learned about your temperament to become the best version of you? Try these tips below to amplify the strengths you’re naturally wired with.

► Pausing and filtering your thoughts before blurting them out

► Matching the volume and atmosphere in the room

► Remembering your obligations and establishing organizational systems

► Staying on track when telling a story

► Being on time and realistically assessing how long it will take to get there

► Waiting for the other person to finish talking and then asking them another question (instead of

assuming control of the conversation again)

► Thinking before volunteering or committing to something (even if it sounds fun)

► Finishing what you start

► Telling only the truth and limiting your exaggerations

► Showing curiosity and interest in everyone (like trying to remember others’ names)

► “Adulting”—being responsible for completing even the boring obligations like paying bills and

running errands

► Empathizing with others’ emotions without cheering them up or laughing them off

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

You’ve now learned the basics of your temperament!

Knowing your natural strengths, weaknesses, and needs is a great step in self-awareness. If you think of the 4 temperaments as 4 different languages, you’ve now learned yours first. But remember, the goal is to become “fluent” in all 4. Understanding your wiring is a great start! But, the game changer is understanding those around you too!

Choloerics

speak the Language of Power and Control
Choleric

Cholerics are task-oriented extroverts.

CHOLERIC GUIDE

Typically, 1 or 2 temperaments (or colors) will have a higher total than the others from your quiz. The highest score is your dominant temperament. The second-highest score is your secondary temperament. You likely display many of the strengths, weaknesses, and tendencies of your dominant temperament, so those will be outlined for you here.

  • As a Choleric , you speak the language of power and control. You often speak with bold, bossy, confident, or controlling words like: “Follow my lead.” “Hurry up.“ Or, “I know the right way to do it.“

You process your thoughts and feelings by speaking; introverts, on the other hand, process their thoughts and feelings before speaking. Extroverts direct their thoughts and feelings outward.

Being an extrovert can be an asset. Your natural way with words may serve you well in your career as a magnetic salesperson, an influential leader, or a dynamic public speaker. And since you’re quick and confident in sharing your opinion, you’re often invited into important conversations and decisions. On the flip side, you’ve likely stuck your foot in your mouth a time or two. And being quick to speak up may sometimes make you a lousy listener.

You’re making a list and checking it twice. For you, there’s nothing like the satisfaction of tackling a project (or ten).

Task-oriented people are inclined toward accomplishing things. At work, you’ve likely earned the reputation of being a go-getter. At home, your efficiency with errands and chores keeps your household running smoothly. You may be thinking, “Doesn’t everyone love crossing things off a to-do list?” Well, no . . . at least, not as much as you do. LOL

Strengths and Weaknesses

You are wired with the unique strengths and weaknesses of your temperament. Your strengths are the best of the qualities that come naturally to you. Those strengths have a counterpoint though. You are also wired with weaknesses that have the potential to ruin relationships and derail your life. If that seems scary, here’s some good news: you can choose to behave and speak from your strengths or from your weaknesses. It probably hasn’t always felt that way . . . until now. Learning how you’re wired will change that.

► Decisive 

► Delegates well

► Bold

► Driven

► Compulsive need for change

► Sets and achieves goals 

► Thrives on opposition

► Efficient with materials and time

► Self-sufficient

► Always has a plan and a purpose

► Bossy

► Impatient

► Quick-tempered

► Inflexible

► Dislikes tears and emotion

► Unsympathetic

► Has trouble saying “I’m sorry.”

► Arrogant

► Intolerant

► May be rude or tactless

Your Innate Needs

Think of something that was said to you—maybe by a parent, teacher, or childhood friend—that has stuck with you for years. What makes those words stand out from the millions of others you’ve heard in your lifetime? Your temperament. You are wired to respond positively to certain words and negatively to others. The reason you remember, for example, that your second-grade teacher said, “You are a natural born leader that everyone looks up to,” is that those are the exact words your temperament craves. Those words fill your innate needs. Think of innate needs like food. Just as you need to eat daily, you crave hearing words of affirmation every day that fill your four innate needs. They are unique to your temperament and, just like food, they are critical to your well-being.

*Think of the last time someone said words like these to you. How did it make you feel? Did it put a little wind in your sail?

► Loyalty = Being prioritized, knowing someone has your back “It’s your call. I trust your judgment.”

► Sense of Control =  Everyone pulling their weight, following the plan “Sure, I’ll take care of that.”

► Appreciation = Being valued for your unique strengths, “Will you take the lead on this? You’re the best person for it.”

► Credit for Work = Being valued for your contributions, “Wow! You put a lot of time and effort into this!”

  • A note about your needs:

    Culture sends mixed messages about some of these needs. You may have internalized a belief that needing credit for your work is selfish. Wanting loyalty can be perceived as domineering. And it’s easy to see how a choleric child’s need for a sense of control on the playground could get them labeled as bossy. You’ve probably heard things like “Let someone else be the leader,” throughout your life. As a result, you—like all of us—may be saddled with some degree of confusion around your needs. Hopefully, learning that you’re hardwired to crave these things will free you from any feelings of shame. Not only is it okay for you to crave loyalty, sense of control, appreciation, and credit for work, it’s vital that you get them!

  • Your Default When Your Needs Are Not Filled:

    If you are wired to respond positively to words that fill your innate needs, what happens when you don’t hear those words—when your friends don’t show you loyalty, or your boss doesn’t offer credit for work after you put in hours of overtime? Just as your positive reaction comes naturally, your negative one does too. Each temperament has a “tell”—a kind of subconscious, default reaction. It shows up in your words (or, in some cases, your lack of words). And it’s used to manipulate others into giving you what you’re craving.

► Tone = Harsh, biting comments, “I’ll just do it myself!”

► Volume = Angry outbursts, yelling, “I already told you the plan! Now get moving!”

It’s not particularly pleasant to admit to this part of your temperament. You may have lost a job, respect, or a relationship because of the way you reacted to someone. But you can prevent doing catastrophic damage if you use these signals as a warning. When you catch yourself ramping up your tone and volume, stop and ask: Is what I’m really trying to get loyalty, a sense of control, appreciation, or credit for work? How can I get that using a strength rather than a weakness?

Putting It Into Practice

So, now with all of this info: How do you use what you’ve learned about your temperament to become the best version of you? Try these tips below to amplify the strengths you’re naturally wired with.

► Putting others first and verbalizing your appreciation for them

► Greeting others with a sincere smile and giving them your full attention

► Waiting until you’re asked before sharing your opinions

► Listening all the way to the end—trying to understand, not just formulating your response

► Making requests instead of issuing demands; saying please

► Pausing for a deep breath when you feel yourself getting angry and/or loud

► Connecting with people, not just completing projects

► Moderating your tone and volume

► Owning your mistakes and apologizing out loud

► Empathizing with others instead of trying to fix them or giving them unsolicited advice

► Lightening up, cutting loose, stepping away from work and tasks, actually taking a vacation

► Giving others complete ownership over the method and time frame of completing tasks

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

You’ve now learned the basics of your temperament!

Knowing your natural strengths, weaknesses, and needs is a great step in self-awareness. If you think of the 4 temperaments as 4 different languages, you’ve now learned yours first. But remember, the goal is to become “fluent” in all 4. Understanding your wiring is a great start! But, the game changer is understanding those around you too!

Melancholics

speak the Language of Perfection and Order
Melancholic

Melancholics are task-oriented introverts.

MELANCHOLIC GUIDE

Typically, 1 or 2 temperaments (or colors) will have a higher total than the others from your quiz. The highest score is your dominant temperament. The second-highest score is your secondary temperament. You likely display many of the strengths, weaknesses, and tendencies of your dominant temperament, so those will be outlined for you here.

  • As a Melancholic , you speak the language of perfection and order. You often speak with detailed, analytical, and compassionate words like: “I’ve been giving it some thought.” “I’m almost finished, I just want to fix one more thing.“ Or, “Are you sure that’s a good idea?“

You process your thoughts and feelings before speaking; extroverts, on the other hand, process their thoughts and feelings by speaking. Introverts direct their thoughts and feelings inward.

Your naturally thoughtful nature can be an asset. Fields of work that require deep analysis and careful communication (like healthcare, law, and finance) need introverts like you. (You’ve probably never met a spreadsheet, chart, or graph you didn’t like!) On the flip side, being wired to think before you speak can be perceived as unfriendly. Because you’re slow to speak up, you’ve probably been described since childhood as quiet, shy, or guarded.

You’re making a list and checking it twice. For you, there’s nothing like the satisfaction of tackling a project (or ten).

Task-oriented people are inclined toward accomplishing things. At work, you’ve likely earned the reputation of being a go-getter. At home, your efficiency with errands and chores keeps your household running smoothly. You may be thinking, “Doesn’t everyone love crossing things off a to-do list?” Well, no . . . at least, not as much as you do. LOL

Strengths and Weaknesses

You are wired with the unique strengths and weaknesses of your temperament. Your strengths are the best of the qualities that come naturally to you. Those strengths have a counterpoint though. You are also wired with weaknesses that have the potential to ruin relationships and derail your life. If that seems scary, here’s some good news: you can choose to behave and speak from your strengths or from your weaknesses. It probably hasn’t always felt that way . . . until now. Learning how you’re wired will change that.

► Empathetic

► Thoughtful

► Analytical

► Enjoys solitude

► Perfectionist

► Focused

► Methodical

► Cautious

► Problem solver

► Prefers facts and logic

► Moody

► Has false humility

► Too introspective

► Hard to please

► Insecure socially

► Skeptical

► Judgmental

► Guarded

► Withdrawn and remote

► Tends toward hypochondria

Your Innate Needs

Think of something that was said to you—maybe by a parent, teacher, or childhood friend—that has stuck with you for years. What makes those words stand out from the millions of others you’ve heard in your lifetime? Your temperament. You are wired to respond positively to certain words and negatively to others. The reason you remember, for example, that your second-grade teacher noticed when you had a bad day and said, “I’d love to hear what’s on your mind,” is that those are the exact words your temperament craves. Those words fill your innate needs. Think of innate needs like food. Just as you need to eat daily, you crave hearing words every day that fill your four innate needs. They are unique to your temperament and, just like food, they are critical to your well-being.

*Think of the last time someone said words like these to you. How did it make you feel? Did it put a little wind in your sail?

► Safety = Being able to trust your surroundings and relationships, “I won’t mention it to anyone else.”

► Sensitivity = Being understood, “It seems like you’re having a hard day. Want to talk?”

► Support = Being offered or provided help “You have a lot going on, so I’ll take care of . . .”

► Space and Silence = Having time to decompress, process, or think, “Would you like to have a few minutes to yourself?”

  • A note about your needs:

    Culture sends mixed messages about some of these needs. You may have internalized a belief that wanting sensitivity makes you weak. Needing safety can be perceived as cowardly. And it’s easy to see how a melancholic child’s need for space & silence could get them labeled as a loner. You’ve probably been described as shy, perhaps since childhood. As a result, you—like all of us—may be saddled with some degree of confusion around your needs. Hopefully, learning that you’re hardwired to crave these things will free you from any feelings of shame. Not only is it okay for you to crave safety, sensitivity, support, and space & silence, it’s vital that you get them!

  • Your Default When Your Needs Are Not Filled:

    If you are wired to respond positively to words that fill your innate needs, what happens when you don’t hear those words—when a friend betrays your trust or a loved one doesn’t notice you need support? Just as your positive reaction comes naturally, your negative one does too. Each temperament has a “tell”—a kind of subconscious, default reaction. It shows up in your words (or, in some cases, your lack of words). And it’s used to manipulate others into giving you what you’re craving.

► Moods = Being judgmental, critical, or self-deprecating, “That will never work.”

► Silence = Being disengaged, unwilling to talk to or hear from others, “I’m fine.” (silent treatment)

It’s not particularly pleasant to admit to this part of your temperament. You may have lost a job, respect, or a relationship because of the way you reacted to someone. But you can prevent doing catastrophic damage if you use these signals as a warning. When you catch yourself resorting to moods and silence, stop and ask: Is what I’m really trying to get safety, sensitivity, support, or space and silence? How can I get that using a strength rather than a weakness?

Putting It Into Practice

So, now with all of this info: How do you use what you’ve learned about your temperament to become the best version of you? Try these tips below to amplify the strengths you’re naturally wired with.

► Smiling more, lightening up, responding optimistically

► Being grateful and counting your blessings

► Reflecting back what others say to you to confirm that you heard correctly and completely

► Turning in/moving on from projects when they are good enough instead of trying to make them perfect

► Coming up with a Plan B when you start feeling anxious or overwhelmed

► Accepting invitations, joining in, volunteering

► Responding with trust rather than suspicion (especially when there’s a gap between what you expect and what you experience)

► Speaking up to share what’s on your mind instead of withdrawing and isolating

► Being flexible, particularly about changes to your plans and/or schedule

► Sharing your creative talents and graciously accepting compliments

► Forgiving others and releasing grudges

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

You’ve now learned the basics of your temperament!

Knowing your natural strengths, weaknesses, and needs is a great step in self-awareness. If you think of the 4 temperaments as 4 different languages, you’ve now learned yours first. But remember, the goal is to become “fluent” in all 4. Understanding your wiring is a great start! But, the game changer is understanding those around you too!

Phlegmatic

speak the Language of Calm and Harmony
Phlegmatics

Phlegmatics are people-oriented introverts.

PHLEGMATIC GUIDE

Typically, 1 or 2 temperaments (or colors) will have a higher total than the others from your quiz. The highest score is your dominant temperament. The second-highest score is your secondary temperament. You likely display many of the strengths, weaknesses, and tendencies of your dominant temperament, so those will be outlined for you here.

  • As a Phlegmatic , you speak the language of calm and harmony. You often speak with easy-going, patient, calm words like: “No big deal.” “I’m good with whatever.“ Or, “Can it wait until tomorrow?“

You process your thoughts and feelings before speaking; extroverts, on the other hand, process their thoughts and feelings by speaking. Introverts direct their thoughts and feelings inward.

Your naturally thoughtful nature can be an asset. Fields of work that require diplomacy and careful communication (like healthcare, law, and management) need introverts like you. On the flip side, being slow to speak up can make you seem distant or disengaged. Because you’re wired to think before you speak, you’ve probably been described since childhood as quiet, shy, or guarded.

When you are given the choice between accomplishing a task or spending time with a friend, you will choose the friend every time.

People-oriented people are inclined toward fostering relationships. Whether it’s meeting new people or engaging your wide circle of family and friends, the brightest part of every day involves other people. Thinking about and including others comes naturally to you. You may be thinking, Wouldn’t everyone spend time with a friend instead of tackling a task that can easily wait another day? No, they wouldn’t.

Strengths and Weaknesses

You are wired with the unique strengths and weaknesses of your temperament. Your strengths are the best of the qualities that come naturally to you. Those strengths have a counterpoint though. You are also wired with weaknesses that have the potential to ruin relationships and derail your life. If that seems scary, here’s some good news: you can choose to behave and speak from your strengths or from your weaknesses. It probably hasn’t always felt that way . . . until now. Learning how you’re wired will change that.

► Kind 

► Easygoing 

► Diplomatic

► Agreeable 

► Patient 

► Generous 

► Not easily provoked 

► Listens well 

► Accommodating 

► Content

► Unenthusiastic

► Indecisive

► Lacks self-motivation

► No sense of urgency

► Sarcastic

► Resists change

► Timid

► Sluggish

► Aimless

► Stubborn

Your Innate Needs

Think of something that was said to you—maybe by a parent, teacher, or childhood friend—that has stuck with you for years. What makes those words stand out from the millions of others you’ve heard in your lifetime? Your temperament. You are wired to respond positively to certain words and negatively to others. The reason you remember, for example, that your second-grade teacher said you were,“the kindest kid in the whole class,” is that those are the exact words your temperament craves. Those words fill your innate needs. Think of innate needs like food. Just as you need to eat daily, you crave hearing words of affirmation every day that fill your four innate needs. They are unique to your temperament and, just like food, they are critical to your well-being.

*Think of the last time someone said words like these to you. How did it make you feel? Did it put a little wind in your sail?

► Harmony = Everyone getting along or everything going smoothly “What great teamwork today!”

► Feeling of Worth = Being valued for your unique strengths, “You’re exactly the right person for this job.”

► Lack of Stress = An absence of conflict and combative words, “I’m ready to go whenever you are.”

► Respect = Being asked for your thoughts and opinions, “You always have a great perspective. I’d love to hear your thoughts.”

  • A note about your needs:

    Culture sends mixed messages about some of these needs. Craving harmony may be perceived as avoiding conflict or not speaking your mind. And it’s easy to see how a phlegmatic child’s need to avoid stress could make them appear lazy. Perhaps that’s a label that’s been applied to you throughout your life. As a result, you—like all of us—may be saddled with some degree of confusion around your needs. Hopefully, learning that you’re hardwired to crave these things will free you from any feelings of shame. Not only is it okay for you to crave harmony, a feeling of worth, lack of stress, and respect, it’s vital that you get them!

  • Your Default When Your Needs Are Not Filled:

    If you are wired to respond positively to words that fill your innate needs, what happens when you don’t hear those words—when conflict occurs with a loved one or a deadline at work creates stress? Just as your positive reaction comes naturally, your negative one does too. Each temperament has a “tell”—a kind of subconscious, default reaction. It shows up in your words (or, in some cases, your lack of words). And it’s used to manipulate others into giving you what you’re craving.

► Procrastination = Delaying or ignoring responsibilities, “Stop nagging. I’ll get to it later.”

► Stubbornness = Refusing to converse or compromise, “I’m done talking about it.”

It’s not particularly pleasant to admit to this part of your temperament. You may have lost a job, respect, or a relationship because of the way you reacted to someone. But you can prevent doing catastrophic damage if you use these signals as a warning. When you catch yourself procrastinating or digging in with stubbornness, stop and ask: Is what I’m really trying to get harmony, a lack of stress, a feeling of worth, or respect? How can I get that using a strength rather than a weakness?

Putting It Into Practice

So, now with all of this info: How do you use what you’ve learned about your temperament to become the best version of you? Try these tips below to amplify the strengths you’re naturally wired with.

► Regularly doing something—a class, a hobby, or a new skill—that interests you

► Advocating for yourself rather than letting resentment build

► Jumping into the conversation and sharing your ideas and opinions (even before you’re asked)

► Matching the emotions and/or energy of others

► Trusting in your abilities and remembering the times you’ve succeeded in the past

► Responding enthusiastically

► Volunteering to be the leader, captain, or point person

► Committing to deadlines and meeting them

► Expressing your preferences when you’re offered choices

► Explaining that you need time to think, rather than leaving others confused by your silence

► Sticking around until conflicts are fully resolved

► Vocalizing your admiration and/or appreciation of others (bonus if you do this directly to them)

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

You’ve now learned the basics of your temperament!

Knowing your natural strengths, weaknesses, and needs is a great step in self-awareness. If you think of the 4 temperaments as 4 different languages, you’ve now learned yours first. But remember, the goal is to become “fluent” in all 4. Understanding your wiring is a great start! But, the game changer is understanding those around you too!